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05 July 2008 @ 02:29 pm
Where have I gone?  
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."   - Marianne Williamson 

Maybe I'll feel this when/if I recover? Am I willing to take the chance? 

Liberated from fear...would I just find another fear to cling to? When do you ever know if you are free of anything - pain, fear, anger, resentment, guilt?

I fear the liberation. Because it would mean liberation from MYSELF. In this case, I fear myself. Where has my confidence gone? I used to have goals (other than losing weight) and high aspirations. I have lost myself in this disease. It has sucked me up. Chewed my soul. Spit me out and covered me with dirt. I am still the body, although a different form. But where is my soul? Where is my liberation? 
Current Mood: listlesslistless
Current Music: Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap
busysecretsbusysecrets on July 5th, 2008 03:55 pm (UTC)
Here, have my opinion!

I don't think that you're quite right that liberation would be from yourself. What's happening is that you're so consumed by your eating disorder that you confuse your eating disorder with yourself. And you, my dear, are not something that tortures people into starvation, panicked binging, and suicide. :)

You'll know when you're free from it because that little hum of dissatisfaction with yourself, that small, niggling undercurrent of self-doubt and self-hatred - you'll know you've begun to recover when that's started to fade. You'll know you're stable in recovery when it's gone. And you will experience happiness, true happiness instead of temporary elation - and you will remember what it's like to feel whole.

That came out kind of sappy. Sorry. But it's true. You reach towards yourself, your true self, and you find that... hey, maybe life is worth living. Because you can be happy.
laja_89laja_89 on July 5th, 2008 11:41 pm (UTC)
I love that song... and that quote too of course!! One of my favourites. Anyways.. I'm sorry you aren't feeling so great today. You CAN recover when your ready... and I'm sure you will go on and do great things with your life. I am probably the worst comforter in the world but "Busysecrets" seems to have put her comment nicely so I will second it. You really do seem like a great person so I don't doubt that ONE DAY you will be free from this disease and truly happy.
All my love.
thin_marionthin_marion on July 8th, 2008 01:49 am (UTC)
Have you ever thought "man I'm wonderful"? this is a serious question. It is a horribly serious question.